Magic of Saturn: Releasing karmic cycles, making space and teaching me about long-term relationships

Being in the kitchen was not a hobby, being in the kitchen was a self-reclamation act.

Mar 02, 2024

Heads up, today’s share is long and vulnerable, so before we begin, let me share with you some hot ways to work with me this season if you’re interested:

Being in the kitchen was not a hobby, even though it appeared to be one, two years back.

Being in the kitchen was a self-reclamation act after cycles of intense burnout and exhaustion from hustling the masculine way.

Being in the kitchen was an ode to my sacral, my creative powerhouse - and hence, a part of my human design experiment.

Being in the kitchen was reclaiming my femininity.

Being in the kitchen was breaking my toxic cycles of outsourcing care and nourishment.

Society would crumble without homemakers and mothers - and yet, women of my generation were taught to stay outside the kitchen and be the sons of their fathers over daughters of their mothers, only to grow up later and be told how less of a woman they are. Tch.

I am not angry at my father (Saturn, in astrology) for asking me to be ambitious (anymore). I am grateful for his fire and his willingness to trust my overarching potential in a time in the 90s when many fathers would simply see their daughters as someone to do away with one day as a responsibility. I am thankful in so many ways for him to not write me off in the name of gender roles. (The patriarchy sucks, ‘write off’ sounds awful, but I do not have any other word for it!). I am all hearts for his heart that did not want me to face the same fate as women of his time did, to be only seen as a woman who belongs to the kitchen. He wanted more for me. Like the Leo he is, he wanted me to shine like a Sun.

(Only that he did not know I am a moon and I wax and wane rhythmically in the darkness).

And so, I cannot deny how that also destroyed the feminine essence in me. The feminine urge to provide care and nourishment for myself and the people around me turned to anger and rage and many times, a self-destructive rebellion because it couldn’t be channeled correctly. Today I am preparing a 3-course extensive dinner meal for my cousins and family. The joy of my Mars in Cancer is unparalleled. I can feel a whole-body satisfaction (satisfaction is the signature emotion for manifesting generators in Human Design which indicates pure alignment). It’s not an inconvenience as my cousin texted me to say “Please, don’t bother so much”. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t get me a little mad. I want to. I want to, babe.

kind of in a phase where I wanna gift everyone a loaf of my banana bread <3

Being in the kitchen is a joy I wish more women talked about - loudly.

I couldn’t understand my Mom earlier why would she bother to be in the kitchen if it’s hot, sweaty and so tiring? But last year on the Diwali dinner table when she insisted for everyone to sit so that she could serve hot piping pooris fresh off the stove, I did not stop her - even though girls of my age found it not on par with their idea of equality. I did not want to steal away the joy of feeding people she loved from my Mom. I could see how lit she was - despite the heat. You know how they speak about artists being so engrossed in their art, that they don’t care about the weather, the setting, or the inconvenience. The joy takes over everything. And so while what we see on the outside is the inconvenience, the heat, the exhaustion, my Mom was in it - loving every bit of it.

But of course, how would I have known this if I never went inside the kitchen?

the biggest compliment lately has been my aunt telling my mom, '“your daughters are keeping your legacy” hehhehehe thaaankssss

I am currently listening to the book ‘Women Who Run with Wolves’ and somewhere she says how women who are unleashed from captivity after a long time, go on a rebellion rampage of what they were not allowed to do. Sounds pretty Saturnian, eh? I was punished to text a boy in class tenth and damn, guess what kind of relationships I have been in since then? Text-ships. Plenty. Re(al)lationships, barely.

As I entered the next era of my life last week kickstarting my 30s with my solar return in Pisces, Saturn has been crusading right there transiting my Piscean 7th house of long-term relationships, and hence, I cannot help but see the shit storm of my short-term relationships, or karmic relationships as astrology would call it. In astrology, karmic relationships or short-term relationships can be seen under our 5th house in our natal charts. People born under the balsamic dark moon are written to experience many such short-term relationships because they are closing out their karma of all seven lifetimes (pretty interesting to choose one lifetime to wrap karma of seven lifetimes, right?).

But it’s been what it is.

Despite intuitively being aware of the fate of all these whatever-ships (and thank god for that third-eye Piscean intuition!), I was caught up for as long as I needed to. I could not escape it.

This is karma for you; karmic contracts, karmic patterns and karmic lessons that are governed by Saturn, the lord and planet of Karma and responsibility. They are here to teach you a lesson that transpires beyond this lifetime - all in reverence to the Universal law of balancing karma.

Now as I am cleaning up my phone addiction with a minimalist app to reduce my screen time and increase my productivity and peace (it’s fab btw!), I can see how my (ADHD-like mani-gen) brain was hungry for that rush of dopamine. Before social media had fully taken over my life because of my online business, it was texting for me (which is why, textships!). Texting was great because it gave my brain that stimulation with every notification ping on my phone (how social media does today) and at the same time got me to hide behind the screens (which someone with intimacy issues would LOVE). No wonder, karmic relationships make us feel all dizzy!

It’s funny but, yes, I believed that if someone could spend their whole day texting me, they would be in love or awe with me and my brilliance. I thought they SEE me if they texted me consistently, on time, and instantaneously. I thought they really cared for me.

(Silly girls, and really really silly internet age love advices! )

Maybe they thought the same about me…

But truth be told, attachment is not love.

I loved giving and nurturing in all my relationships but I did not even know its value - so it was mostly a free charity sans boundaries and expectations. As a line 4 in human design, relationships are bedrock of my safety and security. Naturally, the last few years have been hard as my relationships have been going through a whole level of transformation. The north node transiting my Venus in Aries is giving a whole new meaning to my values in my relationships, love and femininity.

The heartbreaks are not just limited to disappointments in love or someone from the opposite gender - but also very true for my female friendships. No one talks about female friendship heartbreaks - but ooof, they are equally soul-wrenching, if not more.

Two years ago in my Saturn Return, I decided to stop filling the hole in my chest with a false, temporary sense of care or nurturing. You know how when you are starving of care and nourishment, even a drop of attention feels like the world to you? Yes. That was me.

That is also when I learned about being an emotional Manifesting generator in Human Design. Taking up hobbies and passions other than work, was the greatest move ever. Stepping inside the kitchen was one of the ways for me to re-claim my lost sacral fire and my inner child.

Care, Love, and Nourishment, the archetype of mother, Cancer.

I have Mars, the planet of drive, motivation, lust, rage and anger here in Cancer in my natal chart.

Stepping into the kitchen was stepping outside of my toxic cycles of outsourcing care and nourishment.

The way I would pick up my phone when I was mad to seek that instant gratification, distraction, and the false sense of being seen and loved, I started picking up flour, water, carrots, and onions instead. I started chopping through my rage and simmering pots of soups and curries through my boiling anger. It was calming and healing to leave the kitchen nurturing myself, even though triggering my perfectionism at first.

This could be my personal experience based on my mars in cancer placement or a general feminine perspective, but I believe women have natively navigated their emotions and rage through being in the kitchen. I have seen my mother transform everytime she has walked out of the kitchen. It’s funny how we have made the kitchen the whole problem in a woman’s life and outsourced it completely in our modern societies when maybe, just maybe, it was the medicine. While men storm out of the house for a drive or a run or historically hunting or cutting the woods to cool themselves out, women have been in the kitchen chopping, churning, simmering, and pounding.

The kitchen has been the holy ground of our emotional alchemy.

And in the last few centuries with the transformation gender roles have been through, it seems like our holy grounds were taken away in the name of, I don’t know, feminism?

Last year when Saturn entered my 7th house of long-term relationships in March, I whispered a silent prayer - Give me long-lasting and real.

oooh the cards that popped for me this morning - ofcourse this is gonna be my hero image

A month later on the Aries new moon, the last ship (okay, a repeated pattern) that had been stretching for over a decade at this point - and the one that I never even saw as unhealthy, addictive, or illusionary - suddenly expired.

When you ask, the Universe listens.

Despite the karmic cycle that this was for me, I want to take a moment for this connection to celebrate how it left with me a gift.

The gift of seeing that the joy I saw in another was the joy in me. (I am a sacral being in Human Design)

The mercurial buzz I so cherished in another was the mercury in me begging to unblock my voice. (I am a Mercury girl - Virgo rising, Gemini mid-heaven).

The freedom I was in awe of was the freedom in me. (Aqua Moon, Aqua Saturn, Gate 55 as my conscious Sun)

The hero that I thought a person was in my life who gave me all the care and nurturing by being my text dumpster, was in fact, a reminder that this is me. (having a Mars in Cancer)

If you’d see a decade-old Shivani, you would never believe I could be a sacral being let alone a magnetizing, mani-gen with a voice. I was the quietest girl in my college feeling the pangs in my throat waiting anxiously for my turn to speak with no trace of passion, excitement, or any joy for life.

Of course, the fact that any cute, popular guy was willing to text me was enough to make me feel special. (I always read these stories of Pisces girls being naive and caught up in illusions falling for bad guys - and I used to be like, not me, okay because I was technically never dating them, but well, welcome to modern dating).

Throughout this cycle, I have seen and learned that what got me so attracted to this person and made me see them with twinkling eyes like they are a star of the movie (I reckon we all watched Ranbir Kapoor in Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani with those twinkling eyes!) was in fact, a reflection of ME.

Now, however, I am not a Ranbir Kapoor fan anymore.

Real relationships are not built on temporary dopamines and fangirling.

Real relationships are vulnerable.

Real relationships *will* ask you to cross the threshold of where you hold back intimacy.

Ever since I started reclaiming my lost sacral fragments through working with my Mars, my mercury, and my sacral, I lost all spark in connecting with this person on a superficial level - which at one point was in fact, very attractive. But of course, like the Undefined Spleen I am, I held on to this connection for way longer than necessary. Why?

Maybe because I was scared to be lonely, maybe because I was scared to feel what comes up for me when I do not have this person to run into, maybe because I did not know I could self-soothe, maybe because no one told me you could let go when you’re done.

This year gone by has been the biggest year of letting go and seeing through my own toxic traits, patterns, and addictions. I have let go of many karmic addictions that I used to cope with - food addictions, Instagram addiction, unhealthy relationship patterns, and of course an old way of avoiding intimacy with my clients and audience at Dream Life Lounge. I also have let go of a major chunk of my childhood trauma through this journey which I had no idea was holding me back in so many ways and making me hold on and even create many of these addictions and karmic cycles.

The truth is, how could we ask for more if we do not have the time and space for it?

I asked for something long-lasting and real, and this is what Saturn was giving me. It has been releasing the resistance as it was transiting through my 7th house of relationships and intimacy showing me what’s real, and what’s just another pattern and another lesson asking you to change something.

We have a bad connotation around Saturn, but it is simply making space for what you’re asking for. Saturn is practical. Saturn truly does not bullshit. Do you want this? Cool, let’s work for it. Let’s clear what is taking up your time, your space, and your energy.

But we? We get pretty mad when Saturn moves us out of our comfort zone. We rebel, we resist, we throw tantrums and we often curse Shani (Hindi name for Saturn) for all the wrongs like it’s some bad luck lurking on our charts.

But when has magic ever happened inside the comfort zone?

It is painful to realize that many times our comfort zones are our karmic addictions. It feels good because it is an escape. And here I am, the queen of escapism, a Pisces telling you in the Pisces Season that there is nothing bigger than truth. This is exactly what Saturn transiting Pisces is teaching us. The real truth is worth the work.

I cannot help but remember my last substack where I mentioned how Pisces Season will teach us that the truth is illuminated s l o w l y, like the story that Pisces weaves, that which takes many pages to come to the point (just like this post written by a Pisces mercury - yours truly!). 😉 It’s important to know that Neptune, the planet of disillusionment, has been in Pisces since 2011-2026, and like a long story coming to illuminate the divine truth in us, we will see many awakenings and realizations occurring in the next 2 years. But well, that can be a post for another time!