Walking with uncertainty

A new permission slip for my voice

Words I wrote in the thick of Saturn + Neptune retrograde few weeks back but never got around posting them because the words themselves had already satiated my hunger.

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I went through my old business Instagram account today. I heard my voice, I watched myself show up on videos almost every alternate day. I saw my tired eyes but sparkling voice. I saw how I used to run a business through content creation on social media - bold, confident, consistent and sometimes pretending to be certain even when I was not.

It was kind of bittersweet to go through it. I am in a phase where I know what is not my voice anymore. There are things I used to say, do, participate in, share, that I nomore resonate with. But what do I actually resonate with?

What do I actually have to say?

It’s still in the fog. There is uncertainty and confusion. This is literally my fifth draft since yesterday. In many ways, I don’t think ‘I am back’ as I announced on my Instagram some months back.

I am still confused.

I do not have the clarity.

I do not clearly have my voice back.

There is nothing that I just want to, have to, say or do, or I will die…(except maybe write?).

As someone who’s been speaking publicly in one way or another since the last ten years if not more, this is awkward to admit. In fact, I am in a phase where when I see a writer have a niched substack, I am almost jealous. I do not have a topic I am extremely passionate about. It’s strange. Yes, not even astrology, right now. I don’t know if I have become who I always wanted to be when I grow up, but I still often say I will become something when I grow up only to realize I have grown up? (Have I?)

I don’t have conviction in my voice anymore. And, I miss that. I am softer and sensitive these days. In fact, I feel like my voice would crack everytime I touch something tender in my 1:1 conversations. There is a perpetual sense of wonder. “I wonder”. “I am not sure”. “I don't know”… like background music uncertainty hums.

This is my newsletter. Apparently, it should be a place I boast about my smartness and competitiveness so that perhaps I could sell you something? But ever since I have started this substack, its true purpose has almost always been to stay a confessional closet where I confess my sins, my sorrows, my guilt.

So yes, it is just what it is.

I am finding my voice through this substack. That was the whole point when I started it 2 years ago. And I still haven’t? I don’t even know when I will. But I am happy that I am writing my truth here. At least, for one moment, I am being true to myself. That’s what writing has always been for me. A pathway for me to reach out to myself, and possibly, heal something (not that I have successfully figured out what exactly is broken).

With Neptune in Pisces, one last time, back again, I am embracing this moment of not having all the pieces of my puzzle. I am embracing not having my voice. I am embracing not being certain. I am embracing confusion and letting it be a guide to tap back into my magical gift of curiosity. I am embracing my right to be here, even when I am lost. I am learning the art of being found in being lost. I am learning to perhaps even enjoy the art of swimming in confusion and haze. I am learning to find ease in uncertainity. Those who are familiar with their human design might resonate with the experience of undefined ajna. We live in a constant space of uncertainty yet we feel the pressure to perform with certainty.

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Maybe this is what it means to have a voice now — to speak softly even when I’m unsure, uncertain, lost, confused. Everything that I learnt I need not be. Maybe having a voice is not just speaking, or writing, or making videos. Maybe having a voice is not just sounding bold and confident even when the ground beneath you is shaking. Maybe finding your voice is simply speaking your truth - nomatter how it sounds, or how it may be perceived. It is allowing yourself to speak even when doubt and uncertainty clouds your thinking and your voice is quivering.

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Whoa. But, wait. Is this what finding your voice looks like?

Unadulterated raw truth.

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Saturn has gone direct today in Pisces. So has mercury in Scorpio. Clarity and confidence have both landed in some measure now.

Reading these words again fill me with so much pride. I am proud of myself for continue writing even through the thickest fog, not knowing where it will land - or will it even land somewhere at all. But here we are. I am sharing this with you.

This is an encouragement from my Pisces mercury to continue spilling paint on paper even through the haze, the overwhelm, the confusion. The past two and a half years have been emotionally testing but also a time when I have filled a journal with poetry I will probably never share with the world. So much of our creative expression is bound by consequences, productivity, and perfection. We refuse to make bad art or write poetry that becomes our embarrassment. We refuse to fill up pages telling because we say we don’t have words yet. We refuse to sit down for a conversation because we don’t know what to tell them.

But the truth is, your voice and expression are not a destination. Social media has been programming us for the last decade to see our expression as an end-product it can weigh and rank in its algorithm. But my love, your truth is so much more than that. I might have been pretending to be certain in my early journey of writing, speaking, and sharing, but the reason why I started was this - I wanted to know my truth. My expression has been less about teaching someone and more about learning from my inner self. It was never supposed to be something that Gods of Instagram grant grades on. Every substack is a journey to the unknown. If I would have waited to have my facts with me before I started, I would have been waiting forever. Every time I sign off a video or an essay, I am most delighted by the truth that is delivered to me. The truth in my hand is honestly the biggest payback of this expression, much bigger than any stats or algorithm could compete with.

I urge you to sit in front of a blank canvas or blank paper and bleed as we end this number 9 year. Number 9 is all about ending. Saturn and Neptune in Pisces have been dissolving and releasing emotions that have kept us stuck and small. It’s been nothing less of an ego death. Next year is a fresh start in many, many ways. Hope you gift yourself grace and spaciousness before the year ends. I have something very sweet coming up for you next week on Gemini new moon. Stay tuned.

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Thank you for being here and receiving my words. In a world where you could spend your super-precious time in anything, you chose to be here, I value it sm <3