An identity recalibration, letting go of my brand Dream Life Lounge
a story of releasing old identities to reclaim self (or the g-centre in HD)
Time is moving fast - and how! Just three weeks ago I wrote you a substack about my creative expression changing thanks to Pluto moving out of my 5th house of creativity. Then, I had no idea that two weeks later after, Pluto would enter my 6th house of work and just like that, I will be writing you this.
Yes! It’s time to say goodbye to something that has very well served its purpose in my life and many many others: Dream Life Lounge. I am happy to say that writing this does not feel as bitter, heavy, or grief-stricken as I had always dreaded. Instead, it feels very aligned and light. It’s the kind of freedom I haven’t tasted in a long long time. Honestly, it’s the kind of expansion every inch of me has been craving for.
The emotional wave has been running ripe for the last six to eight months. Deep down I know, this substack starting in August (the new moon in Virgo) was part of the plan. Truth be told, this decision has been knocking on my door much longer. But when you have put so much blood, sweat, and fight into building an identity brick by brick for five years, it is just not easy to let it go — even when the pivot is inevitable, even when the change is the only constant, even when the ending is a promise of a new beginning —- it is still not easy to let go. As the time comes nearer, the struggle becomes harder and you cling on even tighter.
As a human design lover, I would like to give due credit to my conditioned undefined spleen for holding on to something that surpassed its time way before and my completely open and conditioned identity center (or G center) in Human design for making me believe that I am no one without “Hi, I am the founder of Dream Life Lounge”. (Oh baby, you are so much more!)
And so, my mind has been bursting with lessons and epiphanies since last week when I finally ‘decided’ it’s time.
What better way to write an eulogy to Dream Life Lounge than to receive and archive lessons from this journey? However, I would certainly like to insert a disclaimer before you proceed: This is my experience and my truth. You are invited to be inspired and maybe even motivated by this piece, but know that nowhere do I intend to say that this is a must or a should. For those interested, my energetics are - 1/4 emotional manifesting generator and I am Pisces Sun, Virgo rising, Aquarius Moon.
Our fear of losing and being empty is an illusion
As I said above, what I am feeling right now is expansion and freedom. What I expected and dreaded to feel letting go of DLL however, was feeling like a loser. In full honesty, all the time I was unwilling to face my truth and continuing to hold on, I was already feeling like a loser every single day with that fear. Holding onto something that has died and living with it day in and day out was the most empty, deprived feeling ever.
Truth is, I didn’t dread losing things, businesses, or people, as much as I dreaded the feeling that would come with it.
The perfect branding and business strategies are cool - but no guarantee of success or satisfaction if they are not true to you
Before I started DLL, I helped a startup from scratch with their digital marketing and social media. We were a team of 6-7 when I joined and when I left we had 7 people in the marketing team itself. Naturally, I learned to spread myself thin forgetting the fact that I was a team of 1. I am grateful for having access to knowledge and tools around business and marketing and having the edge over other spiritual and wellness contemporaries, but let me just say it: I have seen hundreds if not thousands of people at this point making millions of dollars from their 1k followers, simple PayPal/Etsy links, and the usual Instagram fonts. I mean the website, the cool fonts, graphics, the aesthetic, social media presence on all platforms, the blue ticks, the automation, and the works - it’s beautiful for resonance and sometimes convenience too - but as a pre-requisite to success? Not really. Moreover, so many of these bro strategies just don’t cut for me anymore. I have no resonance at all with the way I set up the foundation of my business. (Excuse me as I clean up Dream Life Lounge from zillions of platforms where I got myself spread thin.)
Which brings me to the next lesson,
My wounds ran the show at DLL
Ouch, that hurts! But it’s true max. I started DLL with a vision of a 26-year-old ambitious gal to create a company like xyz: think top names in the self-development industry. Yes, I was driven and motivated unlike I’ve ever been before but guess that’s also the reason why my fire fizzled out just as quickly. My vision for DLL was based on proving my worth, seeking likeability through the credential as a founder, finding safety and comfort in the identity of a brand, and of course being completely ignorant to my physical and energetic capacity. I, my mind and my body, both have learned the hard way through these years of my Saturn return how none of it worked in my favor. It reminds me of a quote by Paulo Coelho I heard last week in a yin yoga class - “we know the cost of something is too high when it’s costing our peace.” Oooof!
I had associations of creativity as a medium of suffering and starvation growing up. All i saw was starving artists and obsessive writers. I truly believed that success asks me to sacrifice myself at the altar. But my spiritual journey has shown me that that's not the case. And gosh, how grateful I am for this transformational journey? I needed it .
Trust my emotional fulfillment and joy - and likewise my frustration
Honest confession, I have been spiraling in frustration for a very long time when it came to my business. But it’s just that classic thing which happens with generators in Human Design - you cannot smell your shit but everyone else can. I had worked bloody hard on this thing and who would I be if I quit now? A fool. It feels foolish to start a substack from scratch after having a blog on my website for five years and beyond, which still gets consistent views thanks to the systems in place. But connection, my true expression? Nah. It felt foolish to not post on my 6k following account and instead prioritize my personal account with 1.8k for the last year. But I cannot deny how repulsed I was with my DLL IG account. I fought with the algorithms for a long time until it just felt icky to post under a brand name and be ghosted by potential customers like I am no human.
And very naturally, I started feeling the need to be seen for me and who I am.
It was not at all planned but it was very natural for me to share more on my personal IG account simply because I felt more free without the chains of having to track algorithms. Of course, I have access to those same tools here but it feels like I am gonna post anyway because it’s my expression and if you’re not into it you can leave, you know? I feel seen as a human I am with my community irrespective of the algorithms, the value I provide in one story or the (in)consistency of my posts.
In fact, in the last few months, all my bookings were coming from this account. People can feel how you feel, you know?
I could not feel this same sense of freedom, authenticity, and connection that I felt on my personal account under the label of Dream Life Lounge. In other words, my Instagram for DLL had become a very articulately, self-designed cage of perfection.
I got to honor who I am and what my values are, now
Look I won’t lie that at one point, DLL thrived! I was super passionate about growing my community at Dream Life Lounge. I took it very seriously. I did challenges, trends, IG lives, stories, made groups and I was providing value every single day with my rich content. In my head, I was building a portfolio that showed how worthy I was. If I think of it now, all those content pieces could amount to at least five fat books. I had a really good time connecting with people from all over the world and exchanging conversations. The engagement at one point was so beautiful and it made me feel a part of something bigger. I needed this feeling after being alienated from my close friends and local community for my new spiritual way of life.
But then times changed as Instagram changed.
I tried to cope with reels but my extensive knowledge couldn’t fit in those 15 seconds. I tried dancing with fingers pointing to pointers, but despite being a Gemini midheaven, it felt nothing like me but only super awkward.
The very same things and places that were juicy and flourishing and inspiring at one point were not anymore. I tried to shape-shift DLL into something new over and over again, but the desire to free myself remained intact. And so I realized, after a veryyyy long time, that it’s so important to say goodbye to what has served us at the right time and make space for the new. Evolution is inevitable. As I evolve, my world needs to evolve with me. Otherwise, I am gonna be a frustrated, scratchy, angry bird HAHAHA - which by the way I was all last year with inflammation, anxiety, and intense anger issues. Gosh!
The truth was, I didn’t need a brand identity like DLL to share my spiritual gifts anymore. I needed it badly when I started this page in 2018 and I was embarrassed to let any of my friends, colleagues, or acquaintances see me doing spiritual shit. I felt safer to share my spirituality with strangers than with people I knew. I guess this was kind of the trend for the OG spiritual bees who shared their juicy insights on moons and twin flames without showing who they are. Although I was still okay to at least associate myself with it openly, I did wish internally that no known person come across my page. And can you even blame me? I did my first live on this page only to have old high school gang come and write hahahha! As someone who was a nerdy aqua moon introvert growing up, this was the safest choice to behold. The safest way to not feel outcasted once again. Honestly, it’s only the last year since known people from my circle have started to reach out to me for sessions because I started to openly embrace my work on my personal account.
But honestly, this girl has turned into a woman through this journey.
When you’ve walked through hell, you just don’t care anymore at one point.
I didn’t need a brand to hide anymore.
In fact, I wanted to be seen. I craved to be seen and heard.
At this point, I want my words to reach everyone - and if it triggers or makes you mad, please leave.
My need to be seen as Shivani is so wild atm. (astrology cue: I am experiencing a Venus return in aries, Jupiter will be transiting my Midheaven from May, my Sun progressed into Aries last year and my progressed moon will be entering aries too in the next 3 months! So yea, I am entering my no-fucks-wild era)
The Universe is always redirecting me - there’s something new when something leaves.
I was afraid that if I let go of DLL nothing else would ever replace it. As a virgo rising, it is my deep need to have something I can dedicate myself and my service to. The Universe has been showing me ways in the past six months ever since I started loosening my grip and chose to have faith in the next moment (chose, because faith is a choice that I was unwilling to make for all this while). In fact, hundreds of doors have unlocked themselves and inspiration and ideas are gushing in like a wild river ever since I posted on my DLL account that it’s a goodbye.
It’s scary, surreal, and a beautiful reminder that I get to choose. I mean I am getting emails to do brand endorsements, and I am just giggling here like, influencer shiz, eh? Was that even an option? I am getting really wild, juicy invitations, where it was just a dry, dead valley all this while. I guess, this mg’s sacral work to pour into my pleasures has brought the waters back to my valley (all the puns intended!!!). Of course, having a plethora of invitations and opportunities to choose from, also means I will have to say no to those that aren’t for me at the moment. What I am realizing right now is that when you trust yourself and when you know your worth, it is easier to say no because you know there’s always something else to say YES to.
So that’s all from me loves! Yes, it was a long one, but with those last five years behind me, of course it had to be! And obviously, there is no algorithm here to punish me for my long writings hehhee! But yeah, please do let me know if any of this resonates with you or inspires you in some way down below, I’d love to hear from you xx - and if you’re not freinds with me on the gram but would like that - join me here!
I have just published a new option to receive readings from me alongside my extensive 1:1 live readings and sessions.
These are short, sweet, and spicy 30-minute recordings catering to a specific area of your life where I look at your natal chart and human design chart to send you advice on what’s your unique way. Check them out here.
How to: Close your eyes, lie down on your bed and play these recordings allowing them to echo in the space and seep in through veins and bloodstreams as a reminder of who you are.
I am also introducing “Your HD Mechanics” which again is a 30-minute recording for those who are just starting their HD journey and feel a pull to discover their energy mechanics.